The Importance of Connection
We all want it. We all need it. We are all created for it. When God created humanity, He created us to live in fellowship; one with another and it is not any different in leadership today.
We thrive when we are connected with others who are on the same journey, focused on the same goal, and moving toward it. When we challenge and spur one another on, there is camaraderie that runs deep—passions are shared then spill over and draw others in. Being challenged and connected to others who have the same passions as you do, develops deep bonds that help anchor us to our goals when we are experiencing challenging times.
That kind of connection provides a safe haven to vent frustration, discuss difficult and heart wrenching issues, be open and honest, and celebrate wins with people who are of like thought and purpose. It helps us develop deep grounding and roots that all pastors need. But what happens when you’re a woman in a seemingly man’s world?
Developing Connection
Connection for a woman in ministry is vital to her health and growth as a pastor and the ministry she is called to in the same way it is for a man. In a world where male leaders dominate the landscape, it can be difficult to find women clergy leaders who are in a position to mentor and sponsor other women coming up through the ranks.
What we need are women who are willing to invest in other women, but we also need men who will fulfill their God-given calling to identify and spur these women on to lean into and live out their life callings.
As someone who has studied leadership for many years, early on I understood the value of finding a mentor who is willing to listen, guide, and challenge my thinking and actions: not allowing me to stay inside my comfortable bubble but to call me out of it, growing beyond what I sometimes consider possible. I don’t naturally know everything: no one does. So if I want to grow and mature in my area of calling I am going to need people who are willing and able to work with me. I didn’t want someone to mentor me who would stroke my ego or tell me I was always doing things right.
I was looking for and needed someone who would be gentle but firm. Someone who would be willing to say good job, when I did a good job, but also share pointers on how to do things with greater excellence the next time. I wanted someone who would give me space and opportunity to try new—and occasionally scary things and even if I tanked something, they would help me navigate the frustrations and disappointments, but then be willing to guide me to do it better the next time.
Leaders are Learners
This is the way we grow. Scripture tells us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another,” (Proverbs 27:17). We are not meant for this journey to be done in solitude. We are called to be part of a fellowship, even in, and maybe especially in, leadership roles.
If you’ve made the commitment to follow the calling you’ve been given, the next step is to equip yourself: your classwork may or may not be done, but whether it is or isn’t—be aware that teachers and professors are not going to be grading your work forever, and you are the one responsible to keep challenging yourself to grow and mature in these areas.
Leaders are lifelong learners: growth and learning is not optional in leadership. Mentorship is also a lifelong commitment of leadership: both having a mentor and being a mentor. Determine to invest in yourself and someone else and start immediately.
Jo Saxton puts it best in her leadership book, Ready to Rise -
You are worth investing in. Your voice, your influence, and impact are worth investing in, because every investment you make is preparation for your leadership journey, (2020, p. 183).
If we take it seriously, the leadership journey never ends. If we take this quote from Jo Saxton’s book and ponder about those coming up behind us, we can deduce that their voices, their influence, their impact - these are all things worth investing in too. How exciting is that?
Developing Strong Leadership Roots
If you don’t already have a mentor, it is time to find one. Begin having conversations with colleagues, not necessarily inquiring whether or not they would be your mentor, but asking good questions to learn from everyone you can. You may need to reach out unashamedly and ask someone, but don’t rush the process. Be patiently prayerful. Finding a mentor can happen organically by having some of these conversations with others if you’re intentionally asking questions that will help you grow.
You need to be willing to invest in yourself and boldly approach some of the people who are where you are called to be. Remember that everyone started somewhere: no one starts at the top and rarely is anyone handed leadership: it is earned. Be willing to do things that are uncomfortable and take on the attitude of a servant; if you haven’t already. Humble service is needed. Service to the Master is service to those around you.
Be prayerful about who God would want you to develop a mentoring relationship with and realize from the beginning that this is not a life-long commitment for either of you. Set a time frame - maybe once a month for an hour, for 6 months or something that works for both of you.
When you are in a mentoring relationship, be respectful of your mentor’s time and always be prepared with questions of things you want to know, realizing you may not have time to have all your questions answered. Ask the most important questions first and listen carefully - taking time to clarify what is being said. Make sure you take a notebook and pen so you can take notes. Don’t trust your memory - some nuggets are priceless in these conversations and you don’t want to miss them.
Do not expect your mentor to bring you a buffet of knowledge and information to pick and choose from. You are to invest in and lead yourself well. Do your homework. Prepare for your meetings. Be the mentee that everyone wants to mentor!
Humbly ask questions like, “If you were to tell your younger self a couple things about ministry that you didn’t learn about while studying what would they be? Why?” or find questions about things that you sense are important in preparing for your next season. It is also wise to realize that you don’t know what you don’t know and allow time for your mentor to instruct you in some areas that you may not be aware of.
One thing that has come out of the Covid lockdowns is the realization that we can meet with people from all over the world at the touch of a button. There is no reason or excuse not to have a mentor. You may be like me and live in a rural community where there are few if any other women clergy.
That’s still not an excuse not to have a mentor. In her book Emboldened, Tara Beth Leach gives some great advice to men who mentor women,
We must create a new culture that does not keep women sidelined due to gender, especially in our churches. This means men who embolden women must be willing to mentor women (2017, p. 165).
Your mentor can either be a man or a woman. There is no law that says you cannot have a male mentor. We each need to find someone who is a bit farther on the road than us that we can relate to and who will challenge us to grow and ask the tough questions—and someone who will answer the tough questions. Your mentor will ideally be someone you can relate to.
I’m not a fan of
the Billy Graham rule
because it leaves women on the sidelines. Early in my experience, I was told that I would not be invited for coffee because I was a woman. That stings. Not only that, words like those, make you feel like you’ve done something wrong or that maybe you’re just not quite as good as a man for the job. I’m certain that was not the intention, however, it is what gets construed when stated in such a way.
I agree that there need to be mutually agreed upon boundaries that work for both parties and their spouses (if they are married). But to say that a woman and a man can never meet together for coffee or a meal to discuss ministry work and business, is utterly ridiculous and says far too many negative things about both men and women.
When each person is working in their calling, embracing their true identity in Jesus, the church is far better than when we leave people out. If we do not include women, we are leaving half of God’s humanity out of the picture. When we can embrace all people to work together for the good and growth of the Kingdom, the Kingdom wins.
Are You Ready?
Ladies, it’s time to put on our armor. It’s time to invest in and equip ourselves for the journey ahead. It’s time to walk in courage, boldness, and grace the race that we have been called to—to proclaim the Good News to the nations.
Women preachers, teachers, and leaders; it’s time to be strengthened and walk in power: the power of the Holy Spirit.
The apostles in the early church weren’t given boldness and courage just so they could withstand opposition, but they were given boldness and courage because they were ambassadors of the gospel. In the same way, women in the church are ambassadors of the gospel and have been given this same Spirit to use their gifts with boldness so the mission of God will continue to advance in this world (Leach, 2017, p. 44).
You, my dear sister, are an ambassador of the Gospel. You have been called by God Himself to do the work He has appointed for you—to do it well, you need to be willing to invest in yourself and then pour out of your experience and into someone else. You do not need to do this alone. But you must be willing to step out of your comfort zone and seek out a mentor.
If you’ve been called then it’s time to do something with it—no more excuses. If you’ve been sidelined or pushed aside, ask God to forgive those who have done it to you and you may need to seek God’s grace so you too may forgive and move past it.
Holding on to the pain and hurt of someone’s ignorance and mean spirit is not recommended in leadership. Don’t allow the poison of others to keep you from fulfilling your God-given calling. Preacher woman, it hurts, but the Kingdom is more important than our suffering, it’s time to press on.
If you have been doing ministry for a long time, please find someone younger (or less experienced) and mentor them. Take to heart the words of the Psalmist, “Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come,” (Psalm 71:18).
Consider these words from a mentoring point of view. You are passing the mantle to another who is younger (or less experienced) and helping to equip her for the upcoming years: to fulfill the Great Commission. When this is done effectively, our influence makes a mark on so many we will never meet here on earth. What a great thing!
This is how the Kingdom is to grow. We can learn from one another and reach out into this world through others: this is Kingdom multiplication. Don’t keep your knowledge and your experience to yourself, but share it with as many as you can. Kingdom work is not for our egos or our glory - it is for God’s glory.
We do not want to miss the real mission for a single minute. Lives are at risk, hanging in the balance. Some may never hear the Gospel because we were too busy trying to protect our own kingdoms rather than working for the One Kingdom that matters.
Let’s Do This!
We have been called: men and women alike have been called to be ambassadors of the Gospel. If you are one of them, will you stand up and be counted? Will you find a mentor to help you grow to the next level in your calling? Will you look around and grab the hand of another and call them to a higher standard, mentoring and sponsoring them; all the while challenging their thoughts and motives to grow deeper and stronger in their own God-given calling?
What is the first step you can take? If you’re a mentor, who’s mentoring you? If you have a mentor, who can you mentor? Even if you’re just beginning, who will you choose? Send them a message, have a conversation, go for coffee, just get started. We’re in this together! Let’s get it done - people are counting on us.
Scripture taken from NIV.
